The reason I jump
I have long doubted whether to write this post. The text below I wrote four years ago and for a long time I have been wanting to share it, but it needs quite a bit of context. The reason I'm sharing it now is because I feel it adds a lot to my most recent post 'Being different: neurodivergent,' because it's related to an experience I had in 2022. Because my autism coach recommended it to me, I had decided to watch The Reason I Jump, a documentary based on the book by Naoki Higashida about the experience of a non-verbal autistic person.
Without knowing anything about what to expect, I started watching. I have never been able to explain what I felt then. All I know is that over time, I slowly shut down to the point when, halfway through, my partner stopped the documentary because of how much I was struggling. Somehow, somewhere I felt the need to get my laptop, put on some music and start typing.
As I usually do, I typed in ViM (a text editor on linux, similar to notepad). Unfortunately, the text doesn't give any indication of the many (long) pauses there were while I was typing this. While (I think) the text seems pretty incoherent, I'm not saying I didn't think about what I wrote then. If anything, it's written very intuitively. Everything the documentary triggered in me at the time, all the thoughts, feelings and associations, I typed out with my eyes closed, as they came to mind.
The text has since been stored on my laptop, unedited. I know that, at the time, I left typos unedited, added extra blank lines, forgot them, etc. While normally I try my hardest to correct any errors, in this piece I intentionally left them untouched. I want to share it as is, to give a little insight in what my life as a neurodivergent person can be like at times.
Finally, a little bit of required context:
- tigger is the name of my laptop
- Sanne is my partner
- Lindsay is my teddy bear
A lot has happened
and nearly all of it at once
No, that's false
Maybe it's just that a lot of things just start to make that much more sense
Is it?
I know understand why I hate to go clothes shopping
There's far too much going on
it's the smell
too much to choose from
and at the same time nothing to choose from, because of how it's stored
I can't see it
I'll have to push them aside one by one
the fabric
the fibers
combined with color
not knowing how it feels
it scares me
how many more stores do I need to visit
musea... it's too much
most art is overwhelming
false
paintings are
too much, too much
al the details.........
Why can't I just be me????????
what's wrong with me?
false
what's wrong with people that they cant accept me???!!
what's wrong with them?!?!
why do they always say I'm wrong?
I
I just want to live my life and to be left alone
why would they know beter/?!!
thiss music is calming
it's my music
It's mine, even if it isn't
I'm stuck
I need someone with me
just to know i'm not alone
people are scary
why won't they accept?!?!
music is music
vocals are osnd
there's no meaning, other than the sounds
sounds are emotions
even is Ican't express
where's my music?
How can I express////
I need to move, but IM stuckJust my music
too much
all too much
I'm done
I'm screaaaaaaming, but there's noosudn
what the fuck is happening?!?!?!?!/
happy tigger is here
tigger know s
tigger knows meee
I know tigger
tigger had my music
Sanne is veilig
Lindsay is veilig
ik ben veilig
muziek is veilig
ik ben veilig
ik ben op.../
ik weet hoe maar het lukt niet...